Leadership and Marriage
So everyone knows that being married is the same as being on the same team, right? Wrong! I can only tell you, from my personal experience, that this thought never occurred to me before. I've been married for over 10 years now, and I've been studying leadership principles for 7 of them. Some of the concepts I've read and learned about have to do with ideas like: Building a Team, Effective Leadership of Teams, Coaching Teams, Motivating Teams, etc. And yet, I never thought this might apply to my marriage.
I'm amazed at how shallow and darn right stupid I can be sometimes. About 3 years ago I was re-reading a book from my favorite leadership author, Dr. John C. Maxwell, in preparation to teach this book and study guide to my team at work. As we were going through it, I realized in a sudden flash of mild brain activity, "I wonder if this would work in marriage?"
You have to understand that until this point, my marriage was definitely not based on team work. Not that my loving wife wouldn't have wanted it that way, but because I chose not to be that way. Prior to this, we were mostly just individuals that were married. I was focused on my career, and my wife was focused on hers, and I had pre-determined that if my wife wanted to work, I had no issue with that. But - don't let her career interfere with mine nor let it interfere with my day to day schedule.
I remember telling her once - "you decided to pursue your career - not me - don't make me responsible for having to help you achieve in it." Wow - tough words. To this day, I regret being such a fool. Thinking about my immature actions embarrasses me. What was I thinking?
I believe that many working couples have this issue. I'm glad that I was able to make a breakthrough in my thinking, and move to applying the very teamwork principles that I teach to my marriage. It's made a huge difference. Even now, 3 years later, my wife is still reserved and doesn't think I'm going to be a team player when she needs my help. She still is very surprised when I do things for her and I think she is starting to see this might be permanent, but there is no question there is still hesitancy.
I can't blame her. For seven years, if I did anything for her as a team mate, I felt she owed me for my service. Again, what kind of team mate is that? In fact, who wants to be on a team with someone that always thinks there is this debt/debtor relationship going on? That's just it - that's not a team. I listened to a sermon series by Andy Stanley several months back that illustrated how relationships are many times viewed in this debt/debtor type perspective. Think about it - if you think somebody owes you something - its just as if there is a debt that needs to be repaid. Nothing stifles a relationship more than this type of viewpoint. Whether its a friend, co-worker, family, or spouse, this debt/debtor perspective prevents the relationship from getting to an entirely different level.
The bottom line is this: my wife doesn't owe me anything. There is no debt to be repaid. Any time, effort, or energy put forth needs to be done in love, with no further expectation.
In my Bible, it shows that God placed man to be the head of the household. If I'm going to lead my family, I need to pursue being a leader that is chosen to be followed, not followed because of position.
John Maxwell says that the most important thing to him is that those who are closest to him think the most of him. I think that's a great thought. So often today, we see great leaders in the work place, who are disastrous leaders at home. They are divorced, they have children that don't respect them, and many times they lead lonely lives. That's not the kind of life I want to live.
Leadership and Marriage - don't fool yourself - they go together.
I'm amazed at how shallow and darn right stupid I can be sometimes. About 3 years ago I was re-reading a book from my favorite leadership author, Dr. John C. Maxwell, in preparation to teach this book and study guide to my team at work. As we were going through it, I realized in a sudden flash of mild brain activity, "I wonder if this would work in marriage?"
You have to understand that until this point, my marriage was definitely not based on team work. Not that my loving wife wouldn't have wanted it that way, but because I chose not to be that way. Prior to this, we were mostly just individuals that were married. I was focused on my career, and my wife was focused on hers, and I had pre-determined that if my wife wanted to work, I had no issue with that. But - don't let her career interfere with mine nor let it interfere with my day to day schedule.
I remember telling her once - "you decided to pursue your career - not me - don't make me responsible for having to help you achieve in it." Wow - tough words. To this day, I regret being such a fool. Thinking about my immature actions embarrasses me. What was I thinking?
I believe that many working couples have this issue. I'm glad that I was able to make a breakthrough in my thinking, and move to applying the very teamwork principles that I teach to my marriage. It's made a huge difference. Even now, 3 years later, my wife is still reserved and doesn't think I'm going to be a team player when she needs my help. She still is very surprised when I do things for her and I think she is starting to see this might be permanent, but there is no question there is still hesitancy.
I can't blame her. For seven years, if I did anything for her as a team mate, I felt she owed me for my service. Again, what kind of team mate is that? In fact, who wants to be on a team with someone that always thinks there is this debt/debtor relationship going on? That's just it - that's not a team. I listened to a sermon series by Andy Stanley several months back that illustrated how relationships are many times viewed in this debt/debtor type perspective. Think about it - if you think somebody owes you something - its just as if there is a debt that needs to be repaid. Nothing stifles a relationship more than this type of viewpoint. Whether its a friend, co-worker, family, or spouse, this debt/debtor perspective prevents the relationship from getting to an entirely different level.
The bottom line is this: my wife doesn't owe me anything. There is no debt to be repaid. Any time, effort, or energy put forth needs to be done in love, with no further expectation.
In my Bible, it shows that God placed man to be the head of the household. If I'm going to lead my family, I need to pursue being a leader that is chosen to be followed, not followed because of position.
John Maxwell says that the most important thing to him is that those who are closest to him think the most of him. I think that's a great thought. So often today, we see great leaders in the work place, who are disastrous leaders at home. They are divorced, they have children that don't respect them, and many times they lead lonely lives. That's not the kind of life I want to live.
Leadership and Marriage - don't fool yourself - they go together.
posted by Lance Reid at 10:46 PM
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